It’s that time of year again. The time of year where we all reflect on the previous one, and agonize over how we can do better in the next one. The time of year that we all vow that with a new year, comes a “new me.” The time of year that our social media timelines will be flooded with friends sharing their goals for the new year and promises to do things differently, or better, sponsored ads for workout equipment and gym memberships, and blogs and articles for healthy lifestyle tips will come at us from every page we follow. And while it’s an age old tradition to be drawn to a fresh start with the coming of a fresh year, it’s also important to reflect on what we’ve learned the year before; what we got right, and what our wins were.
For those of us who are parents, those reflections can weigh even more heavily, as we take on the personal responsibility for not just our own wins and losses, but for those of our children, as well. So how do we set goals for the new year with our entire family in mind? And more importantly, how do we do it in a realistic way without beating ourselves up when we fall short? I say when, and not if, because there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and even with the best of intentions, we’re human beings who aren’t always going to get it right. And while that realization can be discouraging, it’s also a really important lesson in and of itself, not just for us, but for our children.
Making mistakes is inevitable. And how we handle setting goals, achieving them, and NOT achieving them is a great place to start when setting an example for our kids. A parent who is constantly too hard on themselves is going to show their child that there is no room for mess ups, and that the mess ups themselves equal failure. But that’s not the case. The mess ups in our day to day lives are a great starting point to teach our children that how we deal with the mistakes we make say far more about us than the mistakes themselves. In this blog, we will go over some healthy ways to better our parenting skills, or relationship with our children, and our lives for the new year.
1. Set realistic goals. Don’t overpromise and under deliver. Doing so only sets everyone up for disappointment. Be honest with your children about what you expect from them, and what they can expect from you. So much conflict is birthed out of unvoiced expectations, which can lead to resentment and breakdown in communication.
2. Prioritize communication with your child. No matter what their age is, children have a voice, and they want to be heard. This doesn’t always mean hour long conversations. Start with setting aside 10 minutes a day without distractions or interruptions with your child, with no agenda, to open the door for anything they may want to share with you. For younger children, this might be done through play; simply sitting with them for 10 minutes with building blocks, toy cars, or a coloring book and crayons.
With older children and teens, this may look like spending a few minutes at the end of the day without any phones or devices. Creating intentional time and space for your children in this way can lead to quality conversation where they feel listened to, and recognize that you’re placing value on what they have to say, no matter how trivial or important. In addition to creating intentional moments with them, or maybe in place of if your schedule is chaotic (which is nothing to be ashamed of!), you can take advantage of time in the car and mealtimes with them. Playing chef and chauffeur provides the convenience of a captive audience.
3. Take an interest in what interests them. Again, this doesn’t have to require hours of research on your part. But listening to the songs they like, learning about the characters in the books, tv shows or video games they enjoy, or the sports they have an interest in can go a long way to creating a bond that you miss out on when you have no knowledge of the things that they light up about. On that same topic, share your interests with them. It’s all too easy to take on a “live for your children” mentality and lose sight of who you are as an individual. While being a parent is, for many of us, the most important role we’ve ever taken on, remaining true to ourselves—our hobbies, interests and things we enjoy, show our children that it’s okay to explore those things for themselves, and take pleasure in them.
4. Acknowledge the importance of “walking away,” and create a mutual respect for the need to do so for both adults AND children. The permission for someone to walk away when feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, panicky or impatient is sometimes necessary to stop conflict in its tracks. Learning how to de-escalate a situation before it becomes a blow up is such an important skill for children to learn and can be taught at a young age, especially if it’s modeled for them by the adults in their lives. This doesn’t mean anyone has permission to just storm out of the room to avoid conflict. Placing some guidelines and communicating them before conflict arises is key to implementing this very important tool into your family’s routine. It may be as simply as making the “time out” sign with your hands and saying “I’m going to walk away for 5 minutes to calm myself. Anyone else who needs to do the same should, and we can meet back here when we’re ready to ________ (communicate kindly; discuss calmly; use our bodies appropriately; etc).
5. Take time for yourself, and allow your children the time and space to do the same. This doesn’t have to mean over scheduling everyone with out of the home activities and social events. It also doesn’t have to look like trips to the gym, date nights or weekends away, though these are some of the outlets that many parents benefit from. While self care is often categorized as bubble baths or spa days, it’s not always realistic (especially for parents of young children). For a season, it may look more like journaling after the kids go to sleep, seeing a therapist virtually, joining a remote book club, or working toward a personal goal you’d like to achieve. To learn more about self care and how it can benefit you, check out a previous blog post of ours from a few months back!
https://wellnesspsychologicalservices.com/self-care-and-what-it-means/
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