In honor of International Self Care Day on July 24th I thought it would be helpful to address what is self care, why is it so important, and why do many of us struggle when it comes to taking time to focus on ourselves. Dictionary.com defines self care as “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.”
Before we get into what self care looks like, let’s address why self care is important. Some people wonder why there has been an increased focus on self care and if we really need to take intentional time for ourselves when we already have so many other things taking up our time. The reasons behind an increased focus on self care are many. For a long time we as a society focused on hard work, pouring ourselves fully into our work and our families and that was often times used as a measure for success. Investing ourselves fully into work and family, while rewarding, can also often lead to burn out, feeling unappreciated and with a sense that something is missing. When you work and have a family, we may feel successful in the workplace and fulfilled in family life by going on vacations as a family or to your child’s extracurricular events. Many parents often find themselves asking when will there be time for ourselves or when do I get some “me” time? Therein lies the importance of self care. Taking time for ourselves becomes important for our physical and mental health and can also stave off the sense of feeling burnout in different areas of our lives.
The definition also addresses the importance of self care during times of stress. You may be thinking, “how am I supposed to take time out for myself when things in life are stressful? That’s when I have the least amount of time and ability to put myself first!” The problem with not taking care of ourselves during stressful times is that we may end up having less patience, our fuse may become shorter and shorter, we are likely to have less tolerance for frustration, and become more likely to experience some physical signs of stress as well. Physical signs of stress can be experienced as headaches, muscle tension, stomach problems, difficulty sleeping, fatigue, etc. Having a range of options that fall under the self care umbrella can give us the opportunity to manage stressful situations more effectively which can also have benefits to our physical health and wellbeing by decreasing those headaches, stomach problems, etc.
Taking time out for ourselves can fit into our schedules without feeling as though we are neglecting any other areas of our lives. Going out for a run, a yoga class, taking a shower or warm bath,and reading a book can all be considered as self care. You can listen to audiobooks while watching your child practice their extracurricular activity, or while waiting in car line to pick them up from school. Practicing relaxation, mindfulness, and meditation not only help with overall health and wellbeing; they are also ways we can take some time for ourselves.
Within the arena of mental health, self care can incorporate all of the tools previously discussed like mindfulness and relaxation. Self care can also be working on decreasing our negative self talk, improving our self esteem and confidence, increasing our self value, journaling, and working on setting and maintaining boundaries around ourselves, our time and in relationships.
How can we change our negative thoughts and self talk? We can start by first, recognizing when we’ve done it. Someone may think to themselves, “How stupid am I? I’ve got work I’m behind on, laundry to fold, and here I am sitting and binge watching movies!” Instead, we can acknowledge what is happening and come up with a plan to change what is happening. “Okay, while watching movies is more appealing than work, I’m going to fold the laundry while watching this movie and when I’m done with folding, I’ll get back to work.” These thoughts are not positive or negative, they just address what is happening and give us something else to work toward. We can start working on negative thinking patterns by trying to get more neutral. “I’m so dumb,” can change to “I’m having a hard time and I’ll figure it out,” or “This is challenging for me, I need to ask for help.” Working on negative thinking can help improve the way we feel about ourselves because we aren’t bringing ourselves down all the time. Thus, taking care of ourselves.
How do boundaries fit into self care? Boundaries help us maintain our sense of self, have healthy limits around our time and in relationships, and allow us to take time out for ourselves. Boundaries around time can be not working long hours unless there is a deadline to meet. Some work environments will always encourage people to work long hours and take on more projects. Having a pause or stopping point during a project, recognizing when the end of your day is approaching so you can prepare to stop, not checking email or responding to messages outside of work hours are all ways to protect our personal time. Another way to use boundaries in a workplace setting is utilizing time management skills. If we are effective with our use of time, we can recognize how long a task will take and essentially budget our time to fit in breaks and preparing to wrap up at the natural end of our workday. Breaks at work can help with energy and our mindset as well as helping to potentially avoid burnout.
Boundaries in relationships are healthy ways to have a balance between time and focus on others with time to focus on ourselves. How much time we spend together, how quickly we respond to messages, meeting the needs of others vs our own needs are all impacted by boundaries and whether or not we have healthy boundaries. Responding to messages when I have a chance, rather than staring at my phone waiting for someone to message is a healthy boundary. If we are going out to run errands and you have already eaten lunch, then taking a few minutes for myself to eat lunch before we go is a healthy boundary instead of going out and feeling hangry. Showing gratitude, checking in with each other, being honest about how we are thinking and feeling, showing respect for each other’s opinions and time are all ways to have healthy boundaries in relationships. When we have healthy boundaries in our relationships our friends, family, and coworkers will respect when we need to take some time for ourselves and they are likely to encourage it!
How can we let others know that we need some time for ourselves? We can say things like, “I need to get a little rest,” “I’m feeling a little distracted I’m going to go take a break/shower/walk, etc.,” “I’m feeling a little frustrated I need to gather my thoughts before we continue this conversation.” Using I statements can always be helpful to express what we are experiencing and how we feel to others without sounding like we are blaming them for how we feel. The difference between “You make me feel so mad when you interrupt me,” vs. “I am feeling like I cannot finish my thoughts and I would appreciate if you could wait until I am done before sharing your thoughts and feelings.”
Other examples of I statements that help with boundary setting and self care are, “I feel overwhelmed when cleaning the house right now. It would be helpful to come up with a system for how we will accomplish all of the chores.” “I am feeling stuck and struggling to come up with ideas for this project. I am going to take a break and come back with fresh eyes.” “I am feeling distracted by how many messages we send to each other when I am at work, I would like us to message about questions we need answers to and try to limit the memes and extra messages we send.”
Self care is about having options you feel are a good fit not only for the time you have available, but also are likely to meet the needs you have in that moment. If you are feeling frazzled, having an option that will give you some quiet like taking a bath or shower or going for a walk might be helpful. If you are feeling burned out, have an option that is going to be fun and/or give you a sense of accomplishment.
Take some time to think about the activities that help you feel as though you are focusing on yourself and give you a chance to hit that reset button we all need sometimes.
Helpful articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201905/how-choose-self-care-activity
https://www.colorado.edu/health/self-care-activities-try
https://www.calm.com/blog/self-care-practices